Axios

Out of solidarity to our black brothers and sisters I will not be posting for a while on anything other than awareness on racial injustice. I feel it is wrong to address the issues and then continue after like, I did my part let me move on.

The only way I can try to relate to this suffering of our black community is by thinking of my grief on the small scale and translating it to what the community feels. I will parallel this to the loss of my father.. when he died I had a hole in my heart. And people they said they were sorry but the world went on quickly. It stung. How could I be around people who look happy when my heart was shattered? I Held anger that people after a week or a month even years spoke to me like nothing was wrong because they didn’t want to know how I really was doing. I still remember when people would say hi “how are you”’ days after his death and I would swallow and say “good”. Isn’t that what I’m supposed to say? Responding “Good” felt like acid slipping out of my mouth. It was infuriating to have to pretend I was “good” for the comfort of others. People ask how are you but they don’t really want to know. People say they care but it’s only to the extent that they can tolerate without feeling uneasy. People can’t stand being uncomfortable. And if you are white, straight and male you don’t have to be uncomfortable. Is this wrong? I think so. I think we shouldn’t say things we don’t mean. We shouldn’t half way show support. I don’t know what the right thing to do is. I just know I want to somehow do more than share a picture of George Floyd.

The black community is grieving the loss of so many lives unjustly taken. We can’t keep doing this. We can’t keep saying “the right thing” to soothe our own guilt. My skin is white and I am ashamed I can choose whiteness when the people I love and care for cannot. I walk in a body that sadly allows me to be blind to the other-side. And I’ve chosen to be blind so many times. I’ve chosen to look white and look straight because it’s easier.

I get trapped in my head. And I sit in a catatonic state and think HOW? How can I possibly change anyone’s opinion? How can I make people see how I see. The answer is I cannot. Change is not pointing fingers at people. Change is doing the right thing and having faith in your passion that the truth you spread will ignite in others. Another parallel to my life and my passion is I can’t make anyone exercise or take care of their mental health. What I can do is share my passion in hopes of people understanding why I am the way I am. And maybe with that I can create a ripple in my own small community and those who I touch will spread to others in their community creating even more ripples. So again I am writing because it is a gift that I feel I must use and at least try to spread the thoughts in my head.

I was born in the United States. My family immigrated here from Mexico. My dad was here on a work visa and some how I am ok with not empathizing with my brown roots. What is wrong with me? Like I said I can turn off my brownness and my queerness and it’s not ok. It’s not ok that I can choose to be quiet. There is so much wrong in this world and the wrong it starts with me. If I continue to ignore and stay quiet I am just as bad as people who say racism doesn’t exist.

When I was in a race and ethnicity class my professor stated that being black is like everyone is starting a race but the black person starts way behind everyone else. It’s human nature to one up and take advantage. But it’s human kindness to stop racing when the race isn’t fare.

“I conceive that there are two kinds of inequality among the human species; one, which I call natural or physical, because it is established by nature, and consists in a difference of age, health, bodily strength, and the qualities of the mind or of the soul: and another, which may be called moral or political inequality, because it depends on a kind of convention, and is established, or at least authorised by the consent of men. This latter consists of the different privileges, which some men enjoy to the prejudice of others; such as that of being more rich, more honoured, more powerful or even in a position to exact obedience.”

“THE first man who, having enclosed a piece of ground, bethought himself of saying This is mine, and found people simple enough to believe him, was the real founder of civil society. From how many crimes, wars and murders, from how many horrors and misfortunes might not any one have saved mankind, by pulling up the stakes, or filling up the ditch, and crying to his fellows, “Beware of listening to this impostor; you are undone if you once forget that the fruits of the earth belong to us all, and the earth itself to nobody.”

“It now became the interest of men to appear what they really were not. To be and to seem became two totally different things; and from this distinction sprang insolent pomp and cheating trickery, with all the numerous vices that go in their train.”“Thus he must have been sly and artful in his behaviour to some, and imperious and cruel to others; being under a kind of necessity to ill-use all the persons of whom he stood in need, when he could not frighten them into compliance, and did not judge it his interest to be useful to them. Insatiable ambition, the thirst of raising their respective fortunes, not so much from real want as from the desire to surpass others, inspired all men with a vile propensity to injure one another, and with a secret jealousy, which is the more dangerous, as it puts on the mask of benevolence, to carry its point with greater security. In a word, there arose rivalry and competition on the one hand, and conflicting interests on the other, together with a secret desire on both of profiting at the expense of others. All these evils were the first effects of property, and the inseparable attendants of growing inequality.”

If you’ve read this far now I will analyze.

Man kind is good but property is evil. As the philosophers state someone said this is mine and we all were like ok bet what do we do now? We will do what you say but something has to be in it for us. Those who own the property (dominant group being white heterosexual male) create a competition for the property. If we weren’t all competing then why would we listen to this individual? We disregard compassion for property(money). Greed and power is what makes us bad because it turns our primal instinct of survival mode on. As a society we are capitalists meaning property is our goal. We will not slow down to help others because all we care about is ourselves and protecting our property. So maybe the only way we can stop inequality is by stepping away from the race to get ahead and opening our eyes to compassion again. If we loosen the grip a little on how much money weights our actions maybe then can we be compassionate…

For example when looking at the pandemic and our lack of compassion for its effects and how we don’t want to continue social distance and wearing masks because we want our property(jobs back). We don’t care that people are dying and our doctors and nurses are overworked because it’s not beneficial to be compassionate. As servants to the economy we will do just about anything for a paycheck to continue. Global warming is not addressed because of how huge the oil business is. We are just pawns in the scheme of the top 1%. All of labors to make ends meet is essentially to line the pockets of those who never had to work a day in their lives. And we don’t care that black men and women are killed by an institution put in place to protect us. Dealing with racial inequality means giving away our resources without our personal benefit. We like being above someone in the hierarchy and blacks much like Jews are the scapegoats of society.

So I pose these questions.

Who would you be if you could live without having to worry about making your next mortgage payment, phone bill, and car payment?

Why are we working hard fighting each other for the profit of someone else?

What would happen if we stopped pointing fingers at each other and started working together to solve our shared issues?

Will we ever be able to be collectively a compassionate human race again?

How can I change?